Fun and Games

What is happening?

The games just weren't any fun anymore. The excuses became exhausting. Confrontations were either wrongfully avoided, or escalated beyond rationality. Reality was in question. All struggles for control led to surrender. Relying on the standard expectations, promises, or luck to come through, only brought disappointment. I didn't want any of it, and under my power alone, I couldn't get away from it. I felt as mighty as a single engine bottle rocket trying to escape Earth's orbit. I would burn out and emotionally free fall saying, "If this is all I've got, why even try?"

I tried everything to go along, and get it right. I both fought, and gave in. I would make someone laugh, or draw up words of affectionate sentiments. I gave the benefit of the doubt. I said yes, and I said no. Finally, it came down to, I don't care to over-try anymore.

Looking at myself in the mirror, bank account, social life, or anything…was less than bleak. It was over. I have never felt that kind of sadness, and I hope to never have to be that low again. It did get rough again, and then again later down the road, and then some more further on by. That is it, but that is not all.

If I was going to give up my lifestyle, liquor, and the like, the only way I could go was all the way. Change it all. It can all go, or I will. I learned it's not exactly that drastic or dramatic, and I also learned it is not exactly that easy.

How do I let go?

The pretty neon lights that would show up on my path, attracted and distracted me to eventual dead ends hidden in the dark. I had gone down every single road in this town and that. Up and down. Back and forth. Circling like a coyote that keeps getting his cheap and easy meals pimped by the vultures. For a time, I was the vulture. For a time, I was the carcass. And, this time, I am clear and free of the feeding frenzy. When I needed it the most, there was still one road left that provided steady progress. I am on that road, and the roadside distractions are whizzing on by.

Letting go for me has been painful. It could be the hardest part. It's sad to realize that I am better for saying, or not saying, goodbye. It's not like I have moved on to greener pastures, because I don't know what that is; it only created space for inner-peace, safety, and serenity.

At some point, I had to come to terms with the fact that what I believed was keeping me going, was actually detrimental to my growth and overall health. Sometimes, growth is about subtracting excess and overcrowding. The Power of Attraction nearly killed me, it's the Power of Subtraction that saved my life. Hoarding familiar attachments to people, substances, or you name it, is an easy way to cope from day to day, and moment to moment. For me, it was like trying to survive on catching flies with my teeth. Gross…no thank you.

What is the purpose?

I have always just wanted to feel like the real me, doing the real shit, with the real people. Even though I was there in many ways, there was enough overcompensation and overindulgence that I felt completely wrecked by negative beliefs because I began to need it now, or even better, yesterday. It was like having my paycheck directly deposited into a slot machine, and expecting to live off of cash-outs and buffet comps.

What I have been shown is the possibility of basking in life with relaxed fulfillment. Intention built around freedom. Positive growth experienced incrementally over a series of days that last the rest of my life. I had to seek it. What I found is that I was giving it away without knowing the source. I was depleted because I was not grateful for where my energy, my spirit, my guidance, my love, and my truth originated, therefore not replinishing in a healthy way. I had zero relationship with my higher power. Let the truth begin.

When will I be happy?

I know the frustration of scattered thought. It's like running from the law. It's like looking for your keys, after you forgot that you have to meet your probation officer. It's like someone saying they care about you, and completely disrespecting your boundaries at the same time. It's like going insane. Hyperparanoid. Hyperaware. Hyperlookingforanswers. It causes a lot of stress and tension. Being around "normal people" is scary. Dysfunction and chaos mask the truth, and present the excuse, "At least I am not as fucked up as that one!"

Unfortunately, truth discovery is the answer. Serenity is the honey pot. Where is it? How do I get it? How much does it cost? When will it happen already? Sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me…Then show me something better.

When I got to the crossroads, I knew my attitude had to change. My habits had to change, and my influences had to change. My expectations had to change, and my rules had to change. I wanted and waited for the whole world to change at first. I would still be waiting today, wouldn't I?

Has the world gotten better in the last four years? I don't know, but I know my life has.

Where am I going?

Someone asked me recently if I ever think about going back to my liquid adjusted lifestyle. I was overcome by a wave of heavy emotion. "I can't go back. I don't want to give this up. What I know can't be unknown. I have gained so much, yet I am just now breaking even across the board."

Someone else asked me recently what it would take for me to feel comfortable around town again, and here is my response, "I don't know if I will. How do I go back to a life that embraced the values I liked least about myself?” It wasn't the drinking as much as it was the vibe. I never really liked it. It's hard to put into words, because it has so much to do with taste.

That first year of sobriety I listened to over a thousand hours of Alcoholics Anonymous speaker tapes on YouTube, attended over five hundred AA meetings, read a heavy half dozen self-help books, probably two dozen audio books, and I wrote in my journal every single day. It helped me develop a different relationship with the narrative voice in my head. I had to feel different. I had to feel better. I had to listen to those that had found a better way.

Healing was a difficult concept for me because I didn’t know where the trauma was, or if there was even a pathway to it. The only thing I knew was that it was there, because it was choking me out. I pointed my fingers at the behaviors around me, towards me, as the root of my disturbances. There was enough dysfunction and toxicity in my immediate surroundings that I blamed selfish people that attached to my life, and took advantage of my willingness to comply. I put the responsibility on them for my pathetic circumstances. I don't want to know this confusion anymore. I don't need anyone to apologize, change, or make it right with me. Feeling validated or vindicated is not what is important to me. Just today a landscape customer asked me, “How's the new job?”

“Pretty okay,” I said.

“Oh,” they replied.

“Were you hoping I said it wasn't working out?” I asked.

“Well, yeah!? I have a big project coming up this fall that I would like to get done.”

“Oh,” I replied. And then I move on, because most don't feel the need to have a clue, or think about anyone other than themselves.

I am glad I didn't explain how my new career is changing my life, and enriching everything I have worked on for myself. Though I am grateful for my small business, the transactional nature of most of those relationships is small potatoes. It definitely pays the bills, but beyond that there is nothing to treat the disrespectful pain in the ass that “comfortable” clients can be. Life is too short, and so is our time together if you believe your time and energy is superior to mine. Actions speak louder than words, and it is easy to notice when others are fishing for their own benefit. It's just best to change course, as to avoid the urge to call out someone else's personal bullshit.

I just hope that my change is enough to convince anyone that wants to change, that it is worth the time and effort.

What will life look like?

In the beginning, I was scared shitless I would change all the wrong thrings, and make it all worse. Truth is, I didn't know anything about what was really missing from my life. I was so focused on not missing out on that one magic thing that would happen on that one magic night, that I was missing the magic that was happening right under my hat.

I had a premonition as a young child that has stayed with me throughout my life. It wasn't a want as much as it was a knowing that one day I would become a mentor. I had fear because I did not have a distinct mentor myself, and so I did not know how I would ever feel qualified to even apply. Eventually, mentoring found me, and now I work at a house that helps those looking for next level guidance. I only need to continue to apply myself.

What I wanted to be most in my life was a fisherman on TV catching huge bass and sailfish like a badass. When I was sixteen-years-old, I was even offered an internship on a fishing show out of Canada. It just didn't pan out for some reason. Life and I played this kind of game for 25 more years…all I needed to do was step away from the table.

Moving forward, I don't need to worry so much about the future. I know life is going to have its breaks and heartaches, but I also know I am no longer in a perpetual cycle of daily subtle self-destruction. My decisions are productive in focus. I ask my mind, body, and spirit what needs attention today. I enter the world fulfilled each morning. I sleep securely knowing that life has been good to me, and whatever is missing, is on its way in its own time. In other words, good to go.