Grief and Gratitude
I don't sit down and think about what to write anymore. I haven't had to do that in quite a long time. After treating the 12-steps like a doctorate program in eradicating my personal demons, it became a way of life to write it out, so now it just flows. I type with my thumbs on my phone throughout the day when a nugget takes shape. Eventually, enough nuggets fill a page, and I post it.
Adding some pictures makes it fun and complete. Adaptation.
I don't really like what I write about. I mean, it's not very sexy material. It's tedious and boring for just about any setting, and nobody is asking me to do it. The problem is, I am going to keep doing it until the well runs dry. I can't wait for that day. Maybe that day is today.
For the last three years, I have done the deep dive into layers of my psyche that are beyond the limits of "normal" self-analysis. Stored in and under the folds of memory and time are the physical, mental, and spiritual scar tissue of a life half-lived, yet to its fullest. The evidence of a broken heart was there long before any she could have broken it. I wasn't raised alone in a house of mirrors, but part of me believes that it's the only explanation for the kind of crazy that is trapped inside. Circular thinking in a maze of confusion and hysteria.
The level of grief that I had been harboring was not healthy. Suppression/repression was the only tool available when the trauma first showed up some forty years ago. Those layers are just so deep and hard to look at, they became atrophied and sick over time. The reality as a whole is almost too much for me today. Somedays, it is entirely too much. But it is being relieved. I never quit, and I have overcome the fear of its permanence.
Forward. Small moves. Easy, even breathing. Release. Recover. Rest…Forward…It's working. I have faith.
I will never let go of the gratitude I feel inside for you engaging in this process with me. It has been my own Indiana Jones saga, and I am so happy to see you on the other side of the tunnels of treachery that conjoined the present and past. I hope some of this has been beneficial for the time you gave to read my story.
There is more to come. I am excited. I have gone through the core of what was and needed to be, and now, the new trajectory has an entirely different horizon. Just a few days ago, I was wondering if this was all a big mistake, because the cat's never going back into the bag. The ensuing depression was defeating. But then, as it does always, the Universe provided just exactly what I needed. There it was, wrapped up in a neat little package; a book, some people that needed my help, and a place for us to meditate together. All under one roof. And guess what? I was sober Physically, Mentally, and Spiritually enough to receive it, and pass along the same gifts that I have been given. In this life, and what's to come, I can bring to the present my Mind, Body, and Spirit, and leave the rest behind.
We all need time and space to grieve the events that wounded our young and vulnerable souls. The ones that found safety hiding in the dark. We do this so that we can turn to the sun to live and breathe with purpose and gratitude for each and every day. There was a time when I believed there was no way out. I no longer have time to believe such things.
