Tuesdays and Thursdays - Part 1
Tuesday was not going well. Just one of those, 'What the funky cold medina?' kind of days. I couldn't shake it. This happens to everyone from time to time at least by Wednesday.
Well, Tuesday had my number, so I kept moving along and taking my whoopins. As a natural born glutton for punishment, I decided to golf after work. It sucked. I saw Johnny at the clubhouse after my round, and asked if I could have a minute of his time. He kindly obliged.
Johnny has a dozen or so years of sobriety, and knows a thing or two about life on life's terms, you can see it in his eyes. I hoped he could help set me straight. "Don't get involved in anything that goes against your gut from here on out, my friend. The work you have done is for you. Soon, you will be beyond firing range of the Old Life. Jealous or resentful games from those around you can take someone down, and you have nowhere to go but up. Do not be afraid to walk away if that is your best option. We play golf. We don't need to play around with any extra bullshit."
"I like the sound of that, Johnny," he had his elbow on the bar, as I swiveled in my barstool. "You can't really walk away from the right thing, but you can definitely run into the wrong thing."
"Exactly…sort of," he smiled through his goatee.
Another guy named “Pete” was sitting in on our conversation at one of the low tables next to the bar. He chimed in with, "You know, I have known five or six guys that quit drinking. All of them became such big assholes. Talking about how they're all about God and loving this shit and that shit. But not you guys, you guys haven't changed. I love you guys," as he raised his scotch to each of us.
"Well, Johnny. I think I know what I have to do, and I needed your wisdom to get there. God bless you today!" and then we did the hug.
"That was cool, thanks guys," said Pete. Not me Pete, the other Pete.
The next day, Wednesday, oh man. The lurking viper was around every corner. This happens often when making changes that break long held behavioral patterns. It pisses the ego right the fuck off. There are days for me when I can sense the venom inside me calling to its master. Sounds crazy, because it is. Panicked anxiety is a seemingly impossible shadow to outrun. So, Wednesday, I knew I was going to face whatever snake was causing me to want to run from my own shadow this time. I am not running anymore. Take me down if you think you can.
These battles are not fun, but I have learned that my victory in them fuels my strength and growth. Work was a losing battle that day. The wind and drought shut me down. Wednesday golf league was a lost battle, literally. I played really awful. I hadn't cleared much of anything, so I went to the gym and listened to the same twenty-minute guided meditation three times in a row, and then once more. I almost got close to a win. Yet, still, another battle lost to the snake. But the day was not done, and the final face-off was looming in the night.
On the drive home from the gym, I was still carrying a dark agitation. I decided that enough was enough, and since I had been talking to Angels lately, I thought I should call on one to have a little chit-chat.
After a couple breaths for connection, I invited Alicia's Spirit into the passenger seat. And boom, like a genie, she was sitting right there without her seat belt engaged, and the alarm bell was not sounding off.
"So let's cut right to it," I started at her. "You are always smiling and nice. All the time. Everything is always bright sides, and silver linings. I know that is not all that is promised here. Shit gets dark. Life gets really hard and painful. Trauma and bad luck hit like sixteen boomerangs when you're on a tight rope. Fuck all that. It's not ALL LOVE! How dark does it get? I need to know. I know me. I know my demons. But what about you, God? How dark do you get!? What are your demons? Show me. Show me now. I am ready. I want to see you now, so I can walk with you into my house an face it all. Take me down, or let's dance. Your choice. It's your show. I will surrender my darkness into yours. Just show me you're real, and feel pain too. I need to see all of you." The way this looks/sounds in my prayer style is much faster. It's more like an eyebrow gesture, saying, Are you for real?
Without hesitation, Alicia's Spirit barely gave me the 'you asked for it' look, when her form became something horrific from an evil dimension. A storm of black energy took over where I normally keep my gym bag on the seat. It was stretchy and shiny like hot tar, but seemed to have zero mass. The howling scream coming from its "face" was inaudible, only heard in the ear of my mind. It was telling me that it gets as dark as I want, or think I need it to be. It was telling me that this is all in my head anyway, so let’s make it look like it feels. I was frozen while driving, yet comfortable this demon was now in my front seat, as if it were me jumping into an Uber at 2:30 in the morning on a weekend bender.
The demon then stretched out into a snake-like form and just hovered and hissed, as I turned down my driveway and parked under the carport. I stopped looking at it in my mind, and it vanished as I exited my truck.
As soon as I walked through my door, I tossed my gym bag on the floor and laid down in the middle of my living room. "Let’s do this. Take it away. All of it. I can't carry this anymore!", and straight from my ceiling the snake dropped and attached to my face around my temples and mouth. It had grown in size to the scale of my living room. Its jaws formed like a cuff around my cheeks, chin, and forehead. The sensation of the emotional exorcism that began to take place was not unlike the first time I played with the vacuum hose. It felt like I was hooked up to a suction cargo lift for an alien spaceship or something. I was no longer doing ‘my own’ healing.
The battle lasted nearly as long as a teeth cleaning, so just shy of eternity, but it was much scarier and exponentially more satisfying. I cannot tell you the relief of that purge. For so long I feared it like self-punishment. Now it feels like bonus toxic expulsion. God will always hold the bucket, and your hair, or whatever. Let it rip.
The next day, I was a new man. Completely rejuvenated. Everything was clicking right along. It was Thursday. When I had the realization that this particular Demon Battle was over, I came up with a new general rule: Whatever happens by Tuesday, should be gone by Thursday. That ought to cover my weekend's ass at least half of the time.
I couldn't wait to get to the golf course that night. I had a feeling something cool was going to happen, but if it didn't, I didn't care. I was just excited to go play. That is not always the case.
I carried my clubs up to the shop and Johnny was there being friendly with everyone as usual. "Pete, there is a threesome about to take the tee. Why don't you join up with them if you want."
"Thanks, Johnny. I think I will. I appreciate it," I said with a smile.
"Sure thing. By the way, how are you doing since we talked the other day? You're looking better today."
"Thanks, man. I feel great. Can't wait to tell you a freaky story later on."
"Can't wait to hear it. Play well, buddy!" And he waived me off to meet my group for the game.
"Hey guys, mind if I join up?" I called out as I rolled up to the first tee with my golf cart.
A gentleman in his fifties, looking like he showed up as a single as well, came over to me and said with a whisper, "I'm just happy to be here, otherwise I would be relapsing at a bar right now."
My soul smile shot across the galaxy. "How long has it been?" I asked.
"Six months," he answered.
"My name is Peter." I reached out to shake his hand. No snakes anywhere.
"Peter, I'm Doug. Nice to meet you."
"Doug, it's my pleasure, and it's been over 2 years since my last drink. Let's play some golf. I am looking forward to this."
"No shit!? That's incredible. What are the odds? I hope we can talk.”
“Of course we can. Let's hit first.”
To be continued…
