Toxic Thoughts and Lucky Rice
When I made the decision to stop drinking alcohol, I knew that it was just part of a larger problem. I was constantly managing haywire thinking, and it made it very difficult to focus at length or feel like a normal human being without a drink in hand. In some ways, I kind of enjoyed just keeping it together. But if I had to be honest with myself, and eventually I did, I was absolutely scared shitless.
After the alcohol was totally flushed from my system, and normal organ function had returned, toxic thinking and emotional traumas continued to cycle obsessively. I was having trouble identifying and fixing the harshest patterns. From months 3 to 21, I was doing great at just balancing enough, but always had a fear that I was falling. I was never nervous about taking a drink. I was nervous that I didn’t want to know myself sober. I was right. I saw a lot of things I wanted to change but didn’t know how. I felt a lot of things I didn’t like but couldn’t see. I looked away from a lot of things I didn’t want you to see. As if the process of getting clean wasn’t intense enough, I knew I was not facing the most important facts. I knew I wasn’t facing, and living up to, my best and truest self. I knew I had to cut away from a lot of toxic relationships, places, beliefs and patterns. I knew it was going to hurt, but I was going all the way.
This short illustration is a glimpse into that experience. One thread is a thought-journal sketch from August-November 2021, and the other thread is from a recent trip to Fort Lauderdale, FLA in late January 2022. Thank you for letting me share.
Pelicans are rarely satisfied, and these two just wouldn’t leave me alone. Swirling around my head all day long…
August 12th- I can’t take these thoughts anymore. I can’t let go. I can’t focus. Please go away. I don’t want to live like this. I can’t live like this. I don’t care what anybody thinks anymore. I trust people I shouldn’t. I don’t trust myself. I waste so much time and energy chasing ghosts. I don’t know what I am supposed to do. What do they want? Why do I let them mess with me? I just want you to leave me alone...You can let go, and you will. You are doing the right things. Just like it took time to get here, it will take time to get to the other side. I am with you... I need it to change, now. I am freaking out, now. I am exhausted. Please stop. Take this away. Please leave me alone. Just leave me alone!
“He-Hell(cough)...Hhe(cough)..Hello? I have a cold,” my mom scratched out with determination.
“I can tell. Doesn’t sound good. I am calling you from my watch,” I said, so we both understood our individual circumstances.
“Oh yeah, why’s that?”
“Well, my phone is dead and won't take a charge because I am getting a moisture warning when I plug it in. I have tried to dry it out. I guess it caught a splash from a wave, or maybe I had it out in the rain, but I never dunked it, or anything. I travel back to Colorado tomorrow and may not have a phone. I am getting a ride to the store from the other guest here at the Air B & B. I can’t Uber and have no other internet device other than my watch, so this could occupy my last day of vacation trying to figure this out.”
“Bummer, hopefully they can help you out,” she empathized.
“Just wanted you to know, since you manage the family account. I may have to get a new phone authorized.”
“Yep, keep me posted, but don’t call back. My throat hurts. Maybe you should put it in a bag of rice.”
“10-4. Might have to get a bag of rice,” I laughed. “Hope you feel better. I will let you know.”
Just a splash
October 6th- I am so sick and tired of this, and shitty people, and stupid bullshit. AAGGHHH! I’ve had it. What’s the point? Where could I move to get away from these people and start over? Everybody sucks. Everything is bullshit. People are only lying to themselves. Just bunch of cowardly sheep and manipulators. That’s all, and that’s it...Holy shit, here I go again, will it ever stop?... Just stop and take a few deep breaths. I am still here, and We are still doing this. Let’s meditate, for real. We haven’t tried it, not completely at least. Give it a try. Give Us a better chance. Nothing else matters right now. We will never know, if We don’t try...I have tried everything! More than once! People just suck. That’s it. Accept it. I’m just a grown ass man that can’t handle it. I’m weak, I’m not good enough, I push people away, and I’m pathetic...There is another way. Walk with Me. Let’s just take a walk, or even go for a hike. We will enjoy this. You won’t feel alone for long. Trust me. I am with you. You can trust Me. We are together, again. Thank you. Please, let’s just go for a walk, breath in the fresh air, and let go of the troubles facing others. I have been trying for so long. I can’t keep falling. I can’t keep climbing and falling. I can’t take any more lies. I can’t take any more pain. I can’t do this anymore. Why can’t they see? Why can’t I let go? I need to change. I need things to be different. I need to feel better. I need to feel normal!
“Hello, how can I help you?” the gentlemen at the phone store asked as he greeted me. I had been waiting for 30 minutes because they were supremely outnumbered by problem customers.
“Hey, thanks. I am getting a moisture warning from my charging port when I plug it in, could you take a look and see how bad the damage is?”
“Actually, we have no capability to help you out as we have zero equipment to do so. You’re going to have to find a repair store.”
“Later, dude,” I walked out less than surprised, but as I did so, I plugged into my battery pack just to see what would happen. Lo and behold, I received a charging signal. Sweet!
“Charging...” I texted to my mom. A big thumbs up came in response. I tried to turn on the phone while it was plugged into the battery pack. Warning! Warning! I wasn’t out of the woods just yet.
Walking Las Olas Boulevard
October 20th- Seriously? Is this a joke? What do you want from me? I thought this was supposed to be a safe place? I thought this was supposed to be a sanctuary for recovery and fellowship? Family...bullshit. School...bullshit. Government...bullshit. Relationships...bullshit. Business and banks...bullshit. Now, meetings?...Bullshit! Why do I get involved with personality politics and toxic people?...I sense and understand your frustration. There is pain in this world, and in this life. Some of it is for you to feel, and some of it you have caused, but not all of it. None of it is for you to hold on to. It is good to be aware of it. It is not good to identify with it. You are doing the right things. Let’s keep going. I was enjoying our walk. Let’s leave trouble behind us, especially the trouble others face that we cannot change. It’s not for us. They will be taken care of, just like we have been taken care of. Let’s keep moving forward. When we stop the clouds catch up and block warmth and the light. Let’s go now. But this is a bunch of bulls-… We are going. Now.
After I left the phone store, I had almost 2 miles to get to the fishing pier I had set as my destination for the day. The weather was mild and partly cloudy, so the hour-long walk wasn't Uber necessary. My phone was charging, and it looked like the day was coming together just fine. I needed a little stretch after about 45 minutes, and I could see a nice row of benches just ahead under a row of palm trees and other shade. As I walked up on one of the first benches, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Of course, right there all by itself, was a bag of unopened, uncooked, and totally bleached, jasmine rice.
“My life is getting really, really, fucking weird,” I texted to my mom, along with a picture of the rice on the bench. My phone could power on, as long as it was not plugged in.
“I don’t even know what to say,” was her reply.
Lucky Rice on a bench
November 13th- Can you feel this?... Holy shit what was that? Did I fall asleep?... So, you can feel it. Good! You are not asleep. We are still in meditation. I just wanted you to know I was here all along... What is happening right now? This isn’t real...It’s totally real, here, feel this? Haha. Now you know I am here with you, always have been. You can trust Me. I never left you, and I never will. We are together now, again. Truthfully, honestly, together. It has been a while, but only because you had to construct that other version of Me. I get it. You needed to explore, and experience, the other side. It’s not our best look, is it?...Who, or what, are you?...You know Me. You are Me. I am your Truth, the true version of the good, the love, and the light inside of you. The pure and original, Source. I have more to show you. We will sleep in peace tonight.
On the fishing pier that evening, with the bag of rice in my backpack, I fished for shark and king mackerel. I didn't catch one.
After about 4 hours, just as the sun was setting, a photographer approached and asked if he could snap some silhouette shots. I obliged. I also asked if he posted his photos, because he had all the photo gear of a professional. He said he didn't, but has been taking pictures for three years after telling himself his whole life he should. Right then, I knew the kind of person I was talking with. “Well, I like to take pictures, and do some writing on a blog. But, fair warning, I write about alcohol recovery,” I said.
“It's always nice to meet another friend of Bill's,” he replied. “I have 20 years of sobriety myself, my home group is out of Connecticut.”
Sometimes, it comes in waves.
The next morning it was time to head to the airport.
“Peter, my friend. How is your phone? Is it working?” Martin, my Peruvian Air B&B host, asked the next morning.
“Good morning. Yes, thank you. I think your fan helped dry it out,” I replied. “My Uber is on its way to take me to the airport.”
“Oh, that is good news. So happy for you! Thank you so much for staying here.”
“Thank you for having me! Hey, Martin, I have a question.”
“Yes, anything.”
“Do you like rice?”
“I LOVE rice! And look,” he replied, as he walked across the kitchen, “I need some more, I just ran out.” Martin picked up the glass cannister from the kitchen counter and turned it upside down. Not one grain fell from the bottom.
There is always a beautiful sunset on the horizon
